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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
Is It Hot
In Here Or What?
By Sharie Derrickson,
New York
I have rabies.
Okay, not really, but, I might as well since my symptoms closely
resembles it –- foaming at the mouth, the desire to lunge for the throat
of the nearest person, profuse sweating. It’s called peri-menopause.
One morning, I woke up with an overwhelming desire to assault my husband
with barbeque utensils. He woke up to find me staring at him, disgusted.
“Uh, Sharie, what are you doing?”
“Why do you care?”
“Because you are holding a barbeque brush and meat tongs, and that’s
scary strange.”
“I don’t know,” I blurted in tears. I knew something might be wrong. I
went to a MALE doctor, who smugly said, “You’re at the beginning stage
of the change of life –- nothing to worry about.”
“So, I shouldn’t worry I’d rather smother you with that pillow than look
at you?”
“No. Your body’s beginning a new phase, one that can be an exciting
time.”
Blink. Blink.
“Where’s that meat fork,” my mind said.
“Mrs. Derrickson, this is a natural process. Many find it a pleasant
and freeing time, a new chapter when they’re comfortable with their
womanhood.”
Blink. Blink.
“I wonder what he’d look like with that stethoscope rammed up his nose.
Man, it’s hot in here.”
“There are some uncomfortable symptoms, but a positive attitude is key.”
Blink. Blink.
“I have a positive attitude,” my inner voice said. “I’m positive I’m
going to burst into flames right here. Why’s it so hot in here? What
does he have the heat set at, cremate? Positive attitude... I’ve got
your positive attitude time right here buddy.”
So, I decided to take a closer look at this stage of a woman’s life,
the stage right before the alien chews its way out of her stomach and
then devours all in its path.
Peri, I’ve learned, is Latin for “Why’s it so &@(% hot in here?” and
menopause means “Don’t touch me.”
It appears that women have been dealing with this “blessing” since the
Garden of Eden. Eve attacked the snake in a rampage because he said that
her jeans made her butt look big. Then, she fed the snake to Adam for
dinner in a casserole saying, “Here -– choke on this.”
But, since Eve, there’ve been discoveries giving us a greater
understanding of the processes, as explained by the brochure the doctor
handed to me before he drew his last breath.
It read: “Welcome to peri-menopause. You’re about to embark on a new
adventure you may find both liberating and rewarding.”
Hmmmm. Now, who writes this stuff? It sounded more like a travel
brochure than a medical brochure.
“While some women find this stage to be a pleasant one, some women
experience some of the following ‘nuisances’:
“Forgetfulness, excessive hairiness, bloating, weight gain, mood swings,
night sweats and hot flashes, feelings of isolation, insomnia, lack of
energy, forgetfulness, irrational fears, headaches, achy joints,
uncontrollable desires to punch someone, tearfulness, dry skin, bleeding
gums, acne, wrinkles, loss of muscle tone, eyesight changes, nightmares,
and rage.”
“Oh goodie,” I said. “I’m so excited to be entering this new liberating
and rewarding chapter of my life.” Snarl.
“Your body is ceasing production of every hormone that makes you
feminine. Eventually, your DNA will closely resemble that of a Yeti’s.”
That night, I dreamed of hunting down the brochure writer and flogging
him with a ham. Why a ham, I have no idea. I show up at the brochure
company, armed with my Hormel and say, “Yes, I’d like to meet the person
who wrote this stupid brochure, please.”
She pushes the intercom button. “Yes, Harold, there’s a lady here who’d
like to see you about a brochure you wrote.” Pause. “You can go back to
cubicle 52 on the left.”
So, dragging my ham, I lumber back like a Yeti to cubicle 52. “Are you
Harold?” I say to the guy.
“Yes.”
“Do you even KNOW any women?”
“No.”
“That’s what I thought.” I then flog him with my ham. “Take that -– and
that -– and that,” I said, swinging the ham. It was a strange dream.
Anyway, I came home from the doctor with my brochure, peeling off my
clothes and opening all the windows. “It’s hot as Hades in here,” I said
as my family sat at the table in parkas.
“So what did the doctor say?” my husband said.
“I have rabies.”
“Oh, thank goodness -– we thought maybe it was menopause.”
Blink. Blink.
“What’s for dinner?” my husband asked.
“Ham,” I said. “A nice, big ham.”
http://www.shariederrickson.com
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