| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
News From
The Department Of Insecurity
By
Sharie Derrickson, New York
I’m about to
make fun of something so scary that if I didn’t make fun of it, I’d be
curled up under my bed trembling and chewing my fingernails down to the
nub. It’s, dare I say it –- BIRD FLU.
Now, while it’s not my intention to minimize impending doom, the
warnings issued to prevent our demise needs some tweeking. Get this.
Recently, ABC News reported that the Department of Health and Human
Services is recommending that, “Americans start storing canned tuna and
powdered milk under their beds as the prospect of a deadly bird flu
outbreak approaches the United States.”
To this, I say, “Holy Paranoia, Batman,” and “Uh, what the hay?” I’m
supposed to start storing canned tuna and powdered milk under my bed?
“Helloooo. I don’t have any room under my bed because of the 25 rolls of
duct tape and bolts of plastic that’s there from the last time you
scared us, and my bed sits low because I’m hiding my social security
money in my mattress.”
I’ve a few questions I want answered.
Question 1. Why
under my bed? I can’t elaborate on this or I’ll get a nosebleed
Question 2: Why only canned tuna and powdered milk? Did the tuna and
powdered milk lobbyists say, “Look, if you help us push canned tuna and
powdered milk, we’ll give you canned tuna and powdered milk for life.”
As much of a sweet deal as that seems, I’d hold out until approached by
the SPAM or the Cheesecake lobbyists.
There’s many things I would store under my bed in case of a pandemic,
like, oh, let’s say WATER. My family’s going to be happy for days on end
with canned tuna and powdered milk? I don’t think so.
“Not fried canned tuna and powdered milk again? We had that last night.”
“Cut me some slack. If I had some water, I could make chowder or a nice
bouillabaisse, but this is the best I can do.”
It then gets ugly from
there, and I say how unappreciated I am and I storm off to my room where
I eat a candy bar stashed in my mattress with my social security money.
Question 3: What about a can opener on the list, geniuses? I think that
housewives should make the lists from now on. I know when I send my
husband to the market, it’s likely that he’ll come home with nothing but
canned tuna and powdered milk, and possibly an air-compressor or a
pneumatic drill because you never know when you might need an
air-compressor or a pneumatic drill.
So, I went out and bought my canned tuna, powdered milk, a can opener,
and WATER, but I don’t feel any more prepared. I still feel like
climbing under my bed and chewing my nails to the nub, but, there’s not
enough room under there for both me and my tuna. I guess I’ll just have
to have my panic attacks in the empty pantry. Yeah, that makes sense.
http://www.shariederrickson.com
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