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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
For
Better Or For Worse: Man Takes Marital Vows With Himself
By
Allen Smith, Colorado
Boston, MA – In
a landmark case for matrimonial rights, a Boston man married himself
today in a private service. Roland Nigland, 31, stood before a municipal
judge and a small gathering of close friends to profess his love to
himself in what is believed to be the first, same-person marriage on
record.
“From the moment that I saw my reflection in the mirror,” said Nigland,
“I fell in love with myself.” Nigland confessed that the first time that
he started to experience strong feelings for himself was in the third
grade. “I pulled a dirty T-shirt out of the laundry hamper and pressed
my face into the armpit. I couldn’t get that fragrance out of my mind.”
As Nigland
became a young man, he started to experience undeniable sexual feelings
for himself. “At first, I tried to ignore them. But, one day when my
hand innocently brushed up against my thigh, I knew that I had to take
it to the next level.”
At first, Nigland innocently flirted with himself in the school library,
but was fearful that someone might catch him in the act, so he started
renting cheap rooms at the Bedford Motel. “I was always nervous when I
checked in. When the desk clerk asked me how many guests would be
spending the night, even though I knew it was only me, I would start to
sweat.”
After several years of clandestine meetings, Nigland finally decided to
come out of the closet. At dinner one evening, Nigland confessed to his
parents that he was in love with himself and that he was making plans to
marry. His parents were stunned.
“What about that
attractive Elaine Lieberman down the street?” exclaimed his mother. “And
what about starting a family?” Nigland tried explaining to his parents
that after years of futilely dating women, there was really only one
person for him: himself.
Now that the pressure was off, Nigland finally began to openly enjoy the
pleasure of his own company. He could walk down the street, holding his
hand in his. He could snuggle against his own shoulder. He could whisper
sexual innuendos to himself. When confronted by friends, he didn’t have
to fabricate excuses about his “missing date.” Instead, people began to
see him as a couple. There were other benefits, too.
“When I used to date women, I’d always have to wait around for them
while they got dressed, wondering how long it would be until they’d be
ready. Now, when I’m getting dressed for a night out on the town, I
always know exactly how long it will be until I’m ready to go.”
Nigland
brought up a number of other benefits of marrying yourself. “For years,
I racked my brains over what would be the appropriate birthday or
Christmas gift for my girlfriend. Well, those days are over. Now,
whenever I buy a gift for myself, it’s exactly what I wanted, the right
size and color. And no more guessing what’s in the little box underneath
the Christmas tree!”
And what about the sex? “Unbelievable,” said Nigland. “Last year on
vacation in Hawaii, I booked a suite at the Fairmont Orchid and had a
magnum of Champagne sent up, just to surprise myself. Then after a fabulous
dinner, I hopped over the threshold (since I couldn’t really carry
myself)!”
What’s in Nigland’s future? “I hope to inspire other men and women to
marry themselves. Think about how much a movement like this could impact
the staggering divorce rates. Why, we’d cut it down to nil.” He’s also
thinking about establishing a foundation to support others who would
like to marry themselves.
“I’d like
to set up the “Roland Nigland Half-way House for Self-lovers” so that
they won’t have to suffer the same indignities that I did. I’m also
thinking of starting a new clothing line called ‘I Love Me So Much’ that
will feature pants, shirts and blouses that are reversible; one side for
each of you.”
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