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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Talking
NASCAR With Anna Kournikova
By
Frank Mucci, Illinois
There is an
unwritten rule in the social contract that we Americans live by that
states:
If you say “Hello” to someone the first time you see that individual on
a particular day, you do not have to say “Hello” to him or her again
that day.
I live by that rule (as I believe most people do) and I think it is a
good rule. However, there are some people who apparently live by another
rule that says something like:
Say “Hello” to someone every time you see that individual even if you
see him or her a hundred times throughout the day. It is fun because it
will drive the poor bastard crazy.
There is an individual at my place of employment -- let’s call him Steve
because that’s his name -- who says “Hello” to me every time we pass in the
hallway. I really want to grab Steve by the shirt, smack him in the
face, and scream, “You said ‘Hello’ to me this morning, you dimwit!
Haven’t you heard that a single acknowledgement of someone’s presence is
sufficient for the entire day?” Or something like that.
But I can’t do that because there is another unwritten rule in the
social contract that says that we shouldn’t smack and scream at
people -- especially those who are nice enough to say “Hello.” It goes
something like this:
Don’t smack and scream at people -- especially those who are nice enough to
say “Hello.”
So I have to just take it and smile at Steve and say “Hello” back to
him. This, of course, forces me to do things I don’t like to do.
I have to smile
(I don’t like to smile); I have to say “Hello” (I don’t like to say
“Hello”); and I have to spend the rest of the day trying to avoid Steve
(I don’t like to have to dodge people all day). And let me tell you,
avoiding Steve is like avoiding Kelly Ripa. He’s everywhere!
Not that saying “Hello” is the worst thing in the world. I suppose Steve
could be one of those guys who stops and chats. I really hate the
stop-and-chat thing. I mean, the last thing I want to do is try to think
up crap to say to someone I really have no interest in chatting with.
I can talk
about the weather or the price of gas only so long before I want to
scream. The only things I’m really interested in are sports and sex
(Anna Kournikova would be the ultimate stop-and-chat for me) and Steve
has never shown an interest in any kind of sport other than NASCAR,
which isn’t really a sport unless you consider a bunch of rednecks
driving in circles a sport.
And I sure
as hell don’t want to talk about sex with Steve, so I guess the “Hello”
thing isn’t so bad after all.
But getting back to NASCAR, I have a rule when it comes to deciding what
is a sport and what is not a sport. That rule is this: Anything that I
do every day is not a sport. I walk every day; walking is not a sport.
I sleep every
day; sleeping is not a sport. I eat every day; eating is not a sport. I
expel waste products from myself every day; expelling waste products is
not a sport. And I drive every day; DRIVING IS NOT A SPORT!
Of course, if Ms. Kournikova should decide that a bunch of rednecks
driving in circles is indeed a sport, I may have to change my tune.
After all, she is my ultimate stop-and-chat.
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