| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Home
Improvement
By
Sean Ellis, New York
Summer, the time
to stop and take notice of the wonders around you. The blooming flowers,
the fresh cut grass, the gaping hole in the side of your house, the
paint job that is only half done, the cracks in your driveway and your
splintering deck.
Ah yes,
Summer.
While I always look forward to the end of winter, this season fills me
with feelings of incompetence for I was not born a handy man.
Oh, I’m
quite good at destroying things. In fact, the gaping hole in the side of
my house was only a minor bubble before I took a hammer and some other
tool to it.
It’s the
rebuilding that always trips me up. My wife Laura grew up with a father
who fixed (and still fixes) everything. I see the look of disappointment
in her eyes when I call in general contractors to discuss hanging a
picture. She believes that by doing it ourselves, and by “ourselves” I
mean me, we can save time and money.
So when our kitchen sink sprung a leak last month I was fed up with my
inadequacies and decided to tackle this task, which rates a 1 on the Bob
Villa scale (1 meaning that an average one year old child could complete
it.). I proudly announced to Laura that in an effort to save time and
money I was heading to the Home Depot and would return to fix the leak.
She responded by
asking me if the homeowner’s insurance policy was up to date. A
reference to my attempt to fix a light in my laundry room last year,
which resulted in a Federal probe to see if I was involved in great
blackout. I was cleared but we need to turn on the dishwasher in order
for the light to work.
I returned from Home Depot and began. After I removed the problem area,
and by “removed” I mean demolished, it appeared I had the wrong parts.
This began what I refer to as the “Home Depot Shuffle” which is a ritual
I’ve been performing since we purchased our house eight years ago.
The shuffle
consists of my going to Home Depot and purchasing a lot of parts then
returning to my home to discover they have nothing to do with anything
in my home.
Then I return to
Home Depot and repeat the process. This goes quicker than you’d imagine
since I do not return anything. Which is why I have closets filled with
crown molding, gifts that don’t fit, coupons that Laura gave me and
every recyclable bottle we’ve ever used.
At dusk, it was apparent that we weren’t saving time or money. We did
have enough PCV pipe and faucet parts to repair a high school locker
room. Unfortunately, our sink didn’t make it. I tried as best as I could
to conceal the damage from Laura but I suspect my wet clothing and the
new reservoir in the middle of our kitchen gave me away.
I called the plumber using an assumed name to avoid recognition from
last year’s baseboard heating incident, but it was too late. Apparently,
they have some type of flag in their system and every plumber on the
south shore came to have a look at my handy work. Luckily, I had coffee
and spare parts.
.
|
