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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
Giving The Gift
Of Not Giving
By Jacqueline Hurst, California
I hope my
friends and family will forgive me for this. Effective immediately I
will no longer buy gifts for anyone. No gifts. Not one. Never again. I’m
done.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my family and friends who have been the
grateful, I think, recipients of my unique gifts over the years have
done nothing wrong. Although, that time my mother dressed me up against
my will in a frilly pink dress with white patent leather shoes and
flowered tights might be considered a wrongdoing. After all, it was my
high school prom. But, other than that humiliating, life-altering
experience, my closest acquaintances have done nothing to deserve this.
However, they had better become accustomed to seeing me show up
empty-handed on future holidays.
What spurred me on to make this monumental decision was an email that
popped into my inbox recently. We all get hundreds of marketing emails
each year, mostly useless and most of which we quickly delete. I don’t
have a problem with the odd email promoting Christmas (or, “Holiday” as
we are now required to call it). I don’t even mind the tear-jerking
emails selling flowers around Valentine’s Day: “Don’t let people feel
sorry for you again this Valentine’s Day. Send yourself flowers at work
and watch the faces of your co-workers go from pity to utter shock!
Priceless.” But, the email I received today was promoting giving gifts
for... St. Patrick’s Day! I have to draw the line there.
I thought St. Patrick’s Day was a day reserved for drinking green beer.
Never has a family member expected a gift on this special day which, as
far as I can tell, honors rowdy drinkers. What makes the whole concept
worse is that the email promised me the “luck of the Irish” if I buy
some of these gifts: Green chocolates in a clover-shaped box; four-leaf
clover cufflinks (who doesn’t want those?); lucky Divot Tool (actually,
I could use some luck on the golf course, but still…..); and finally
Irish potato-scented green toilet tissue for your lucky tush! Honestly,
I think I’d rather stick with my bad luck than send someone
potato-scented toilet paper. Are the Irish really that lucky anyway?
Retailers are out of control. I believe they actually make up holidays
each year just to increase sales. Next thing you know they will promote
giving hunting rifles on Vice-President’s Day. Or maybe they will
suggest buying that special someone a Brokeback Mountain DVD on
National Hug-a-Cowpoke Day.
So, I’m officially boycotting gift-giving. If it truly is “the thought
that counts” then I will email my precious thoughts to my friends on
their birthdays. Certainly they will appreciate that more than holiday
bathroom tissue?
Of course, not
wanting to punish those closest to me for something that is clearly not
their fault, I will continue to submit my Christmas and birthday gift
wish lists. After all, it’s the giving, not the receiving that matters.
What better gift to provide my closest relatives than giving them the
gift of giving to me?
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