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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
Flying Standup,
Not Standby
By
Ken Bobrosky, Bahamas
Airline service
continues to deteriorate. Prices, taxes and extra charges are increasing
and the amenities of flying are disappearing.
Meals on many flights are now nonexistent We have deteriorated from
full-service, three-course meals to packing our own lunch, bringing on a
Pizza Hut box as carry on, or dining on peanuts and pop.
Recently, Air Canada eliminated the use of a blanket and pillow on all
flights less that ninety minutes. In their benevolence, however, you
could buy these two luxury items for $1.50 each. How low can we go in
eliminating simple services and reducing costs? Let me try to anticipate
the ways.
In the future, every component of air travel will have a small
additional charge. The washroom will only open by depositing a coin into
a slot on the door. A coin operated toilet seat, soap dispenser and
water faucet can not be far behind. And speaking of behind, toilet paper
will be sold by the square.
The overhead bins will be eliminated in order to provide budget berths
for small people and animals. You will be charged for each piece of
carry on luggage for the privilege of having it sit on your lap. Any
garbage you generate will be collected for a fee, based on volume and
weight, and it will cost a dollar to unlock and use your seat belt.
You will have to pay to have your luggage weighed and inspected and you
will pay extra if you want your baggage to arrive on the same flight you
do. Why do we need a departure lounge? After you pay to have your
passport scanned you will be ushered outside to the tarmac to await your
plane. Planes will just roll along to a “plane stop” and you will catch
the one that takes you nearest to your destination. A kind of hop on -
hop off service.
For short haul flights it seems silly to bother with seating. A series
of hand straps hanging from the ceiling, like in a metro, will do. Since
stand up flying will be the only affordable option, there will be no
room for an airline stewardess to push her trolley of duty free goods,
so they can both be eliminated as well.
And how often do you really need a copilot? One pilot should reduce
costs further. If he should happen to become incapacitated everyone will
have their own carry on life jacket and flotation device anyway. If you
didn’t notice, they were on sale at the kiosk at the foot of the stairs
when you entered the plane.
Do we really need to fly at 35,000 feet? There is nothing to look at
from that height. If we flew at 3,500 feet instead, we could discontinue
pressurizing planes and save lots of money by using far less fuel. We
could even eliminate the need for the expensive paper air sick bag.
It seems like the airlines industry, in its determination to reduce
expenses, has almost come full circle. Charles Lindbergh had the right
idea when he chose to fly solo. I bet he even had a free blanket and
pillow!
http://bahamamama1.blogspot.com
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