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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
Amadeus Paints
Houses
By Margaret Andrews, California
Selling your
house requires preparation. And by preparation, I mean more than
removing your personal belongings. In today’s buyer’s market, you must
fix things, clean things, paint things, etc. As my husband and I have no
relatives in the construction-slash-handyman business, no
paint-and-repair job comes cheap.
We are too lazy
to “do research” on contractors and too skittish to flip through the
Yellow Pages blindfolded, so one hot summer day we grabbed the guy who
was working on a neighbor’s house across the street to see what he could
do for us.
Blaine decided to be honest with us, as if we seemed like nice people
and he'd tell us what he “was gonna do.” First, he wasn't licensed. I
would like to submit this as Red Flag Exhibit A. Second, one of his
laborers was still in jail for some vaguely described reason. This would
be Red Flag Exhibit B. Third, while his guys came to work sober, they
were ""tweakers"" (not sure on the spelling of that as I do not have the
latest information on synonyms for methamphetamine addicts and this
would be Red Flag Exhibit C.)
Meanwhile, Selma, from next door, had the same idea we did and had
already hired them to “prepare” her house for sale. At some point, she
had to leave the house with the front door unlocked because when you
paint the front door, you must paint the whole front door.
Now, I don't
know if these guys had a weekend bender and were still recovering or
what. And I have limited knowledge on what certain drugs will do to your
body and how certain quantities and types of foods play a role in your
professional behavior as a house painter, but SOMEBODY went into the
house to use Selma’s bathroom and apparently had a difficult time
getting everything to flush because he came over to our house to borrow
a plunger, which means Selma did not have a plunger anywhere in the
house because this guy would have found it and we made this assumption
because he also took it upon himself to dig through the kitchen
cupboards and microwave some popcorn.
He might have
gotten away with the toilet violation, had he also borrowed the
scrubber, but there was no mistaking his lack of chef skills when our
neighbor returned to the distinctive smell of burnt popcorn. I would
like to submit these as Red Flag Exhibits D and E.
Magazine articles are numerous, Home Depot classes are aplenty, and
entire How To books exist on the subject of hiring a contractor. Many a
nightmare story has passed through this reporter’s auditory and
olfactory devices. I have heard and read about contractors who never
call back, never show up, and start work and take forever to finish. And
they are the ones who are licensed and have great references and seem
professional as hell.
We are endlessly
advised that these guys must be MUST BE licensed; how else are you going
to go through the hell of legal recourse? But ladies and gentlemen of
the jury outside of Small Claims Court, I ask you, would anyone in their
right mind, after reviewing all the evidence, hire these guys? Even
unarmed with all the advice from articles, classes and books, I think
the answer is pretty obvious.
So we hired them to paint our house, repair dry rot, and other
miscellaneous tasks. Their fearless leader, Blaine, laughed as loud and
as high as Tom Hulce in Amadeus, while somewhat resembling
Richard Simmons in physical features and tone of voice. He underbid any
other licensed contractor by more than half. We threw caution to the
wind and set low expectations. We were pleasantly surprised that Blaine
and his crew did excellent work, paid close attention to detail,
finished quickly and behaved professionally. My husband was so
impressed, he wrote a letter of recommendation for the man. And left a
big tip on the table.
Now what did we do to achieve such successful results? It could have
been that we occasionally fed them and provided cool drinks in the 100+
degree weather. It could have been our charming demeanors, winning
smiles, and magnetic personalities. It could have been that Blaine is in
the license application process so he’s making the extra effort.
It could have
been all these things, but my money is on our ultimate decision to paint
the front door ourselves.
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