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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
Darwinism or
Creationism?
By Frank Mucci
Woodstock, IL
Presently,
everyone seems to care about how we all got here. Scientists care
because that’s what they do -- figure out meaningless junk. Theologians
care because if people find out the truth, they (theologians) will
become extinct. Politicians care because theologians are scary people
with lots of money.
And I care because I believe it is supremely important for all mankind
to know where we came from. How can we know where we are headed if we
know not from whence we cometh?
I’m just kidding. I really don’t care that much.
But if I have to choose, I’ll go with the evolution thing. Maybe I’m
silly, but I’m going to need a little proof before I believe in a goofy
story about a man and his rib, a talking snake and his apple, and a
vixen and her “it’s all about me” attitude (OK, I’ll buy that last
part).
Evolution, on the other hand, is far more believable. There is actual
scientific evidence using bones and fossils and that kind of crap that
humans located north of the Mason-Dixon Line (otherwise known as “blue
states”) have actually evolved from ape-like creatures into thinking,
reasoning, credit-card wielding, ape-like consumers. Without evolution
it is highly unlikely that such modern miracles as cell phones and
high-definition television would ever have been invented.
People located south of the Mason-Dixon Line (or “red states”), however,
buy the whole Adam and Eve silliness basically because they can’t afford
cell phones and high-definition televisions.
Not that signs of evolution aren’t present in the South. Country music,
for instance, used to be brimming with banjos, fiddles, and songs about cheatin’. Now it is filled with guitars, violins, and songs about
infidelity.
That’s one small step for red states, one giant leap for evolution.
This has all developed into a war between science and theology.
Theologians (also known as “religious nuts”) want schools to fill our
kids’ heads with Creationism, or what they now call “Intelligent
Design.” On the other hand, scientists (also known as “guys who figure
out complicated crap”) believe it is important that kids learn about
something that actually could have happened.
Why is the God Squad so anti-monkey? Perhaps one must actually evolve to
understand a concept like evolution. When Jerry Falwell says that
terrorists crash airplanes into tall buildings because Americans embrace
such evil figures as Tinky-Winky, it becomes apparent that Falwell and
his buddies may have missed the evolution bus.
Granted, the idea of we humans having evolved from apes -- and even
lesser life forms like the Christian Coalition -- is not terribly
palatable. We like to think that if we have evolved at all, it has been
from Chippendale Dancers and Playboy Bunnies. But that obviously hasn’t
happened considering the average human is pretty ugly.
So the evolution thing doesn’t seem so crazy, does it? There’s a reason
the checkout girl at the grocery store has one eyebrow. And that’s not a
mohair sweater your neighbor is wearing under his tank top. And how
about Tony Danza? It’s all starting to make sense, isn’t it?
Personally, I could live with the whole Adam and Eve charade if
theologians could just give us a good reason why we even exist. They
simply tell us that “God created us in his own image and blah, blah,
blah.”
Evolution, however, provides a perfect reason for our existence.
Need I remind you about cell phones and high-definition television?
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