|
|
|
| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
Relocation to
Hell
By C.
Hope Clark
Chapin, SC
Friends labeled
our planned family relocation from South Carolina to Arizona an “adventure,” the
first sign of a jinx. We soon wondered if we’d sold our souls to the
Devil.
I repainted the interior to save money and developed a paint allergy
thus spending the savings on doctors. The dog developed an anal gland
infection. Surgery and a few hundred dollars later, she wagged her tale
with minimal effort.
Termites appeared in the garage, and the exterminator said I had no
termite bond. Through clenched teeth I asked what the heck he’d been
exterminating for 10 years. During the treatment they found broken
plumbing. Out came the bathroom floor. Couldn’t match the
15-year-old tile so I bought something similar. The contractor
found a way to use fewer tiles, so I returned the excess for a refund.
With check in hand minus a 20-percent stocking fee, I found the original tile
on sale.
The front picture window cracked. The new window required Super-Mom to
paint again. By now I had special brushes, comfortable spots on my
ladder, and precise ways to handle a bucket and rag. “What else can
happen?” I asked. Twelve bushes died in the front yard from a blight.
My son’s high school graduation loomed on the horizon. His Government
teacher questioned whether a passing grade was probable. The
girlfriend’s dad called me, upset that his daughter had sneaked out and
visited my son in the middle of the night with me sound asleep in the
other end of the house. The mortgage broker screwed up paperwork on the
new house and we fired him. It was the week from Hades.
The teacher came to her senses with a C. We told the dad to lock up his
daughter, and we found a new loan. We dared take a breath.
As a federal agent and a gun collector, Hubby deemed his firearms pure
gold, so he had a carpenter build a gun-totin’ box for the Ford F-150
pickup. It was an amazing piece of craftsmanship. The guns filled that
box to the top.
“What about the liquor,” I asked. “Toss it? Give it away to the
neighbors?”
“Never throw away liquor,” says Hubby. “I’ll pack it in with the guns. Give
me more towels.”
What about the animals? “No problem,” says Hubby. “The dogs ride with
us, the cats with the boys in the other truck, and the hedgehog on the
floor. We’ll get tranquilizers.”
“Can I have one, too?” I asked
Last day. Movers walked in and out of the house. The boys and I sat
outside on a blanket checking things off the list.
“I need cuttings from my plants for the new yard. Be right back.” Snip
and that was done.
A few hugs from neighbors, and we turned to go. “We’re missing a cat,
Mom.” An hour later we snag the animal, pop a pill in him, and set him
in the cage. At 5 p.m. we hit the road. The dogs whined, the cats meowed,
and the hedgehog didn’t give a damn. I began to itch.
Somewhere in Mississippi we learned the loan closing was iffy and the
clippings I had
cut were poison ivy.
By Texas the closing was delayed. “Can you hear me now?”
became our mantra as we tried to bring the deal together.
Each locale involved scouting for a motel most accessible without being
spotted as pet owners. The prerequisite was a first floor end-room near
an entrance with parking away from cameras. In Tucson, we handed the
animals in through a window. In the middle of the night the cats waged
war in their cage. We laughed till we cried as the fur flew. Hubby
begged me not to swallow a cat pill.
We pulled up to our new house on Friday the 13th. The furniture arrived
unscathed, but Hubby freaked as we opened the gun box. A rainstorm in
Dallas and a broken bottle of Wild Turkey seeped moisture throughout the
arsenal. Panic reigned as we scrubbed firearms until the wee hours of
the morning. The boxes could wait.
I finally unpacked my things, put the boys in college, and sent Hubby to
work. The quiet was bliss. Seated before my computer in my new study, I
basked in the knowledge that I could write unencumbered. Where to start?
Ah, yes. “The Hedgehog Chronicles” worked nicely.
http://www.fundsforwriters.com
.
|
