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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
Home For The
Holidays
By Meghan Kinsey
Newburyport, MA
My husband heard
the loud howling noise coming from upstairs. Unable to place the ungodly
sound, he ran up the stairs taking two and three at a time. He searched
frantically from room to room, fearful of what he might find.
It was in
the last room that he unearthed the source of the wretched noise. I was
all balled up on the floor in something of a crude fetal position. I was
methodically rocking back and forth. It was a sight that my husband said
he would never forget.
“Is she sick?” he wondered to himself. “Perhaps it is food poisoning?”
No.
“Then what has taken my poor wife and reduced her to this??”
To put it simply... I was about to go HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!
This seasonal affliction began a week before we drove south to see my
family. There was a rabid exchange of emails between my mother, three
sisters and me the week prior. I came to the conclusion that
conversations that are had over email are not that dissimilar to the way
people “communicate” with other drivers while behind the wheel of a car.
People tend to be a bit less polite, perhaps even arrogant. Alright,
let’s speak plainly: if there were not a keyboard and hundreds of miles
between us, there would be some serious hair pulling and girly punching
going on between us sisters. As my husband eloquently put it, “These
emails make me want to stick a fork in my eye.” Tensions were already
high and no one was giving anyone else the “right of way.”
Upon arriving home, I was immediately confronted by the sister (let’s
call her Gertrude) whom I found most offensive in the email war. Long
story short, Gertrude, per her usual style, imposed a list of conditions
that needed to be met in order for us to go out to celebrate another
sister’s birthday.
So, Gertrude and I stared each other down as we circled the room in a
manner similar to that of two Olympic Greco-Roman wrestlers. I asked her
to simply apologize for being a pain in my %#@ so that we could proceed
with our Christmas gathering that would surely be yet another attempt by
my mother to look like a Little House on the Prairie episode. Gertrude
told me where I could put my request for an apology and then lunged at
me with her newly manicured nails (a heinous color, I might add). My two
sons toddled in to see what was going down in the living room. They got
a glimpse of me holding Aunt Gertrude in a half-nelson and yelled, “YEA!
Tackle game!”
It was at that moment when Gertrude began to plead for her life,
admitting to defeat. I forced her to repeat a mantra that I quickly
concocted, “I am selfish and deserve to be punished. I will no longer
act as if the world revolves around me.” I was happy for the progress we
were making.
I thought the weekend might be getting better, but was promptly
corrected when my mother entered the scene. It was at this point that
she claimed she was “not getting involved” in the situation.
I said, “Good.
That's for the best.”
Then, in less
than two seconds, she proceeded to give her impression of the
disagreement. She told me that I was being “too hard on Gertrude.” It
was then that I body-slammed my mom to the floor and told her to take it
back.
From that moment on, the weekend improved markedly. I believe I heard
some whispers here and there about prescriptions and therapy, but I am
sure they were just discussing my crazy great aunt in Florida. I was
relieved to find that I had such a relaxing time during the rest of our
visit. It seemed that every time I walked into a room, it just cleared
out immediately. It was kind of nice.
I think I am
over the stress of the holidays with family now. In fact, I am already
looking forward to next year!
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