| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
The Interview
By Jessica Benes
Collins, CO
I graduated from
college with a vague sense of unease. The school was thrusting me out
into the world without so much as a “thank you for paying us ten grand a
year” and I felt unprepared for it. I hadn’t been taught to budget,
balance a checkbook or cook anything besides Ramen Noodles. And here I
was being required to get a real job, my own place and some
responsibility.
I wasn’t sure I
cared for that at all. I sort of wanted to go live at home and ask for
an allowance. Since I had a college degree, my parents would pay me
above minimum wage, surely?
I did the first
part. I moved home so I could save money for my own place. My dad had a
different take on how the money situation would work, however. I was to
pay them $200 a month in rent, which would go up in six
months if I hadn’t moved out. Disappointing... but Dad’s a businessman. He
charges his friends $5 to borrow board games.
So I updated my
resume and started circling job ads in the paper.
Twenty-two interviews later, I’ve concluded that I rather suck at the
whole process.
This is what happens:
1. Halfway to the interview I notice that I should have either removed
my nail polish or applied a fresh layer because at the moment, the
glossy magenta color is in chipped little sections with gashes and
grooves. While my potential employer is asking me where I see myself in
five years and what others would say my greatest weakness is, my fingers
are curled into fists, trying to hide my middle school fingers.
2. I always
forget to buy new nylons so I end up slipping my black boots on
over white socks. I don’t own any black socks. The pants are long so
that they drape nicely over the sleek heels and make me look elegant and
stylish. Until I sit and cross my legs and reveal sturdy, white cotton
socks. Therefore I’m also required to sit, crossed at the ankles to hide
another faux pas.
3. I manage to
run late nearly every time. I don’t plan this. I plan to be early. I set
my alarm to give myself enough time to get ready and get to an
appointment. Then in the morning, I wake confused, and set the alarm
ahead another 15 minutes because I’m sleepy. This 15 minutes
makes all the difference. Despite how much time is left, I leave later
than planned and curse myself the entire way, wondering why this always
happens to me and swearing that it will not happen the next time.
4. Something is
always wrong with my clothing. I notice in the middle of the interview
that I have a hole in my armpit, or I realize that a piece of my suit
jacket is sticking straight up in back and won’t lie down no matter how
much I surreptitiously pat at it. Or, I notice that my new black
interview pants are a lint magnet and have caught every single bit of
white dust between stepping from the house and arriving at the interview
site.
5. I decline to
ask for directions because I don’t want to sound dumb, and then Mapquest
fails me. Especially when it says, “Turn right on Main Street, end at
355 Main Street” and I have no idea which side or what landmarks to look
for. The number of miles sometimes helps, but sometimes it’s not exactly
right. So I end up calling anyway to get directions. And I’m running
late.
6. I babble
during the interview. I talk round and round a question, trying to seek
the best answer and saying it all aloud when I should have thought
first, arrived at the best answer and then stated it. I stutter when
asked where I see myself in five years, because I certainly don’t see
myself here, imputing data or answering phones or working in retail.
7. When they
explain the job description to me, I have no idea what they’re saying
because there are all these big words. It’s kind of like when I read a
lengthy explanation somewhere, and the words are so ponderous I have to
re-read it five times to comprehend, which happens when it has anything to do
with insurance or paperwork -- or sitting in a cubicle of some sort.
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