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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
Science Isn't
Always Fair
By Faith Foyil
Nassau, Bahamas
All’s a flutter at
my son’s school. Teachers and students are scurrying around like plywood
store customers before a hurricane.
It’s time for the Annual Science UnFair.
Educational authorities across this planet will tell your child that a
Science UnFair project is judged on the basis of applied proficiency of
detail and presentation of concrete facts. This explanation, in purely
scientific terms, is “not true.”
Your child’s project will not win a prize unless it incorporates
dazzling glitter, wildly colored typefaces and lots of
theatrical-quality props and special effects. Leave out the dancing soap
boxes and he/she has about as much chance of winning as white bread
being added to the Atkins diet.
You, the dutiful parent, will attend the Annual Science UnFair, and
watch other adults drool over 11-year-old Tommy Hernandez’s five-foot,
fiber-optic rocket ship. Tommy’s father, a former astronaut and his
mother, a NYC freelance window dresser, will maintain with straight
faces that they did not help build this rocket ship.
Your child’s project, Do Rocks Need Sunshine? will be relegated to the
janitor’s closet since mounds of dirt don’t require florescent lights.
Hang in there, parents! You are teaching your children a valuable lesson
by NOT helping them with their Science UnFair project. Even if it kills
you. You are showing your child that their work represents the result of
their OWN lame and pathetic abilities, and not YOUR lame and pathetic
abilities!
My son’s final project will be a surprise to me, because I chose the
noble path and actually didn’t help at all. He and his partner started
their scientific experimentation session by expressing big guffaws over
carbonation overflows in large Coke floats. They spent half an hour
doing serious MSN chat “research” followed by 15 minutes of testing
gathered water samples, then finished by writing up the results on the
computer for 20 minutes, while listening to very loud alternative-rock
music.
I’m still guessing at their project’s title and assume it may be called,
At What Decibel Does Polluted Tap Water Vibrate?
I spoke to my friend, Lee Whitman, earlier in the day. She also did not
help her son, Peter, on his Science Unfair project which will also be on
display tonight. Peter caught three, non-poisonous Pygmy boa snakes to
see which glass, aquarium habitat the snakes liked best.
“Dot” and
“Slithers,” Test Snakes #1 and #2, managed a jailbreak and
enjoyed an afternoon of fun and games in the Whitman pool before being
spotted. “Pee-Wee,” Test Snake #3, decided he actually
preferred the Whitman’s bathroom as his favorite habitat, which was a
surprise to them all, especially Lee’s husband, Matt, who discovered
Pee-Wee coiled around his toilet bowl base at 6 a.m.
Selling wine to adults is a new trend, ostensibly to raise money for
more science apparatus our children can break. The wine may help when we
are forced to witness Tommy Hernandez’s first place glow-in-the dark
rendition of the solar system playing The Sun Will Come Out when
you push on Neptune.
In any case, there are five important lessons parents can learn from the
Annual Science UnFair:
1. Overall -– This could prove an unpleasant experience, not unlike your
annual Pap smear, but less invasive than a colonoscopy.
2. Hypothesis -– If there is one project that is totally unsuitable in
relation to your child’s capabilities, he/she will enthusiastically
choose it as their topic.
3. Research -– The internet contains all sorts of information that may
have nothing whatsoever to do with your child’s project but will look
great when plagiarized and stapled onto a three-panel presentation
board, surrounded by glitter.
4. The Experiment -– Regardless of the hypothesis or actual topic, your
child will find a way to spill Pepto Bismol-colored paint on your back
porch, scratch up your dining room table with scissors, clog up your
kitchen sink and leave piles of that impossible-to-clean reddish dirt on
your new carpet
5. The Conclusion -– We are really glad that this thing is over until
next year. Gives us plenty of time to shop for more glitter.
http://www.faithfoyil.com
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